Make a Wish for Birthday and New Year

I am wonder why i am still the same, always think something bad.
Yesterday, try to chat with her de, but in the end i am sad after chat with her. Feel like she is always say something to 讽刺me, i really dono how to communicate with her.
Don't dare to tell him this, because i know he will feel 难为again.
Yesterday night had a nightmare again, she find pasal with me again until i can't control myself and quarrel with her.. How come i will have such dream?? When only i can over come this problem?

Really feel so sorry to him, always promise him i will change, but until now i still cant accept her and sometime think something non-sense..


What can i do to change my mind??

Decided to overnight at my friend's house before meet with him on Sunday, my friend also feel so weird why i don't want stay at his house then next day can straight away back together, why need to be so ma fan. At that moment, i actually don't know how to answer them, because they will never know that i cannot go his house, they don't know in his side, we are still underground.

How good if i am from Ipoh or somewhere near to KL, so that i no need ma fan my friend and also can back together with him.

I hope he will understand, although now the situation become i follow him because of her, but at first i say want to follow it's because i will worry of him if he back alone de. In the morning i am thinking to ask him find anyone of his friend to follow him back except her, but he told me she want follow before i told him that.

One wish for Birthday and New Year: i hope he will answer his mother like this if his mother asking him who follow his car back:" My Girl Friend will follow me back UTM."
How good if he can do this as a gift for my birthday~~
But i think he will never know this is what i wish him to do for me at this moment..

勇敢和独立

一直以来，我都让人觉得我是个独立的人，不管去哪里，不管什么事，我总会自行解决。这些人，包括我的家人，朋友，就连我亲爱的他也是这么认为。

Youth Challenge结束了，不知道为什么明明可以直接回家的，但我却选择了先去KL再转车回家。为的应该还是同样的东西，失望了这么多次我还是一样继续给自己希望，希望奇迹会出现。但等待了三个小时，始终奇迹还是没有出现，我还是一个人踏上回家之路。

回到家的我，整理了自己的情绪，再次期待奇迹的出现。
不管还要等多久，不管还要经历多少次的失望，我还是一样不会放弃。
因为我相信终有一天奇迹会发生。。

又是痘痘惹的祸

我不提，你不问，就这样，我们再一次浪费了见面的机会。
明知道那不可能的，
可我还是希望他可以问我，
又一次，
期望越大，失望越大。

我知道，是我的问题，如果不是因为我脸上的痘痘，我想事情就不会那么不顺利了吧？
痘痘，为什么你总是缠着我不放？
都已经一年多了，求求你离开我好吗？

Youth Challenge

Three days to go, Youth Challenge is coming. At first, i am quite excited to joined this program, but when the time is coming espeacially when i read the program flow, i start to scare. Really scare.. For the promote part i don't think i have a problem, but for the indoor part, i am seriouly scare of it. I think for the indoor will be something like presentation OMG!! I really scare of presentation ah, i don't know how to present myself, present out what i want to present. Although it is already fourth year i entered Uni, but i still can't overcome this problem, scare to talk in front of people. Who can make me more confident? Save me~~

Wish to share my problem with him, but the only time we message is 11something, that time i already cant tell him my matter, because it needs a long time, if i tell him that time, then he can't sleep on time. The only thing we talk always what you do now and so on. Every time when i want to message him, need to think twice. Every time when i take up my phone, type in his phone number and press call key, i will press end call before the line connected.

Who else i can find?? Nobody, emo again..

First day of my holiday

Today is the first day i back in home. Go to shop at 11am and start working until 11pm. Although it is a long working hour, but actually i do enjoy it and i am so happy today.

First of all, when i stand on the weight scales, i am 48kg, it is 2kg less already, happy la.. Although haven't reached what he require, but i will continue until i reached his target--45kg~~

Second, today got many customer said that i was became very slim, is VERY oh... Haha, super happy la, that's means i had success half way already. What i saw in the morning is a truth, my weight really reduce jor.. But until today he still haven't say i am slim la, maybe haven't reached his target yet..

Third, today is Sunday, his mother no work and i success to control myself not sms him until i back from working. Yes, i can do it~~

Fourth, my mother saw the picture that we took together, and ask if he is my boyfriend again, i admit and then she ask me where is he come from, after that din ask anymore. That's means she accept he as my boyfriend?? Hopefully lar~~

Genting Trip

Comes to the end of genting trip and i am home now.

2 December 2010
Depart to KL once i finished my last paper, about 3.30pm we arrived in KL but we can't find the way to go Gombak. And he was angry because i said something wrong, luckilyhe dint angry for a long time.
About 6pm, we safely arrived in Genting. First night, we walking around casino, i make a World Card but we din bet. 11pm back to room and play UNO until 1am something only go sleep.

3 December 2010
Wake up at 9am, then go out around 10am. After breakfast we are going to Theme Park. This is the first time we go Theme Park together, only both of us, i do enjoy it, i hope he had the same feeling. Playing there for a whole day until 5pm, we almost finished all game including including space shot and all the roller coaster. At 6pm, after sending Sze Hue to skyway, we go to Taman Cendawan have our dinner. Don't know i am lucky or unlucky, lost my handphone ut finally found it back at the van. Thanks God..

In the night, after rest in the hotel, we go out again at 8.30pm. We go to Casino, we decided to changed RM 100 to bet. At first we almost lost all the chips, but after few times we get back our chips and earn RM 10 then he stop me to continue. So we have a rest, but after that i try to bet again, and finally i lost all of the the chips, that means i lost RM 100 :( so sad and regret, if i din continue bet then we wont lost money. Since i am the one who bet, so finally i decided to return him RM 50, i dont want him lost money.

That night, we had a small quarrel, he go to sleep without inform me, i really don't like that, so angry with him and walk back to my own room. But the next day we have nothing anymore, sms him once i wake up, and he did not angry also. 1pm, we go down by skyway and bought 2.45pm bus ticket, i was cried when we are waiting bus. Cry because i know we need to leave each other for one month already, i am really sad. But in the end, i realise he is sad because i am cry, so i din cry anymore and pretend i am happy. Finally we end this trip with a happy ending.

3.30pm, we arrived at Gombak again and straight away drive back to KTM, this time i did not show him i am 不舍得，because i know he will sad if i don't wanna leave. When i told him my feeling that every time when he leave me alone back home, i feel like he is so guilty. So this time, 我很潇洒的在他面前消失。So that he will not feel guilty because leave me alone. Although i am really sad. Especially when i realize there's no STAR available at KL central, i am really helpless, don't know what to do there :( Almost cry inside the STAR when i know that i had take a long way to arrived Bukit Jalil. I think i should not let him know this, in his eyes, i am strong girl, i should be continue become strong in front of him :)

Get a lesson: " must have a good planning no matter what you want to do. " Remember, Kepong- Bandar Tasik Selatan, changed STAR to Bukit Jalil, don't go to KL central anymore!!

Emotional

Today's mood changed many times.
Wake up in the morning, think of the dream, i wonder why i will dream of such thing, i am scare and wish it's only a dream. In the dream, she beg me to let him go. She love him so much and i am the person who grab him from her. I'm think of this problem again for a day and i get an answer. No, i am not!!

Today when i wake up, i feel like my face was became more serious, i feel myself is very very ugly today!! I am angry, feel like being cheated by the facial shop, they also promise me will recover, but it is already more than 2months, it's seems like nothing different with last time, maybe worst than last time. Again, i am sad.

Afternoon, waiting bus to go out, i don't know why today i will refuse to sit their car. I can't find a reason, i hate myself, why i suddenly don't like to talk with her. I always thought she is my best friend in Uni life, but i realize it's not a truth.

After lunch, not feeling well, sleep for 2hours. I hope sleeping will make myself stop thinking. Yes, it is effective, but only for 2 hours. After wake up think again.

Dinner time, although i know there's bus to go FAB, but finally i choose to walk there, because i wish to release my stress. But i don't know i make a wrong decision or not, some people saw me walking, maybe they will blame my boyfriend, maybe they will think my boyfriend is not good, why let me walk but don't want come fetch me. Just want to say, not he don't want come fetch me, but sometime i like the feeling to wait bus and walk. Waiting bus not pity at all, walking not pity as well!! Please don't say i am pity again..

After walk for half an hour, it is better already, no more moody.. Back to good mood, study again...

反省又反省

前几天，看清了一些事情，搞得自己很伤心，一直在房间胡思乱想。
幸好，我有他的陪伴，或许他看到了我的烦恼， 第一次，他主动陪我聊天，真的觉得自己很幸运。今天，看回了那些曾经的照片，原来回忆都在，那时的我们可能都比较单纯没心机吧。决定了，不再伤心了，做回自己就好，开心就好。。

终于，下了第一次的厨，重点是他赞我了，很开心能符合他的要求。刚开始真的很怕他说不好吃，幸好这次没让他失望。有要求才有进步，原来行得通的。。 嘻嘻。。我相信那真的好吃，因为我认识的他绝对不会按着自己良心说客套话的，尤其是对我。这么一来，我更有兴趣准备下一餐了。

还有两科，结束这个学期了；还有九天，就上云顶了。
其实我不赞成他瞒着妈妈上云顶的，因为要是后来被他妈妈知道的话不知道会怎样。以前的他做什么，去那里都会交代的，这一次却没告诉他妈妈。或许是因为我的缘故吧，因为不知如何告诉妈妈和谁去，所以干脆不说。我真的不希望让他妈妈觉得他和我一起以后就变了。可是我不知道要怎样告诉他我的想法，要是他妈真的问起和谁去的话，他应该会不知道怎样说，我也不想让他难做，所以很矛盾。

How to become beauty?

End second paper of final exam, still got 3 more to go. First paper quite ok, but second paper is not that good, hopefully will not kill by this paper ba.. Tomorrow he have microp exam, i am here wish him all the best, hopefully those thing he read will come out in the exam and never come out something that he never read. That's what can i do for him now, nothing more..

Starting to search for internship company, still thinking where to go for intern.
First choice: Do it at KL, got 4 company i can chose, Digistar, Texas, Siemens, IBS. But seems like he don't wish me to do at KL. Maybe he is worry something that i worry- I will ask him come to find me during weekends. Even myself also can't promise that i won't ask him come to find me or i go to find him during weekend, how come he will believe on me?

Second choice: Johor, it's seems like transport is a big problem and also accomodation. The only company near to UTM is Cytron, but i really don't wish to go.

Third choice: Penang, there have company i really wish to go, but will facing transport and accomodation problem. I really don't know where should i stay.

Fourth choice: My hometown, haven't check if there's any others company is suitable for intern or not. Seriously, i don't think there's any.

Final choice: Malacca, this is the choice if in the end i still can't get a company.

Yesterday help him sew his jeans, this is the first time i help others sew their cloth, i just sew my clothes before. The result is not as good as what i wish to see, but no choice, that is my level. I know he also not really like it, maybe not like it at all, but anyway, this is really what can i do. I will try to do it better if there's next time.

This few days always saw some leng lui, and my self-confident was become lesser and lesser. Suddenly feels that i should not disturn his life. He should have a beautiful and slim gilrfriend but not an ugly and fat girlfriend like me. I also wish to have a smooth face as others, but although i put a lot of afford and also money on this, the result still the same, i can't get back a smooth face. Feel like i am nothing in his life. Because of me, he lost a lot of things and sometime i make him stress.

Yesterday ask him to find others as his girlfriend, but then he ask me to give him my hand, i know, he LOVE me. But this make me more and more guilty, sometime will very regret that why i want to tell him the truth last year, if i never tell him, then we won't get together and maybe now he will have a beautiful girlfriend.

怎样做个美丽的女友，让他可以骄傲的把我介绍给大家认识呢？？

慌了

不知怎么了，
恐慌突然降临在我的身上。
突然变得很没有自信，
开始觉得自己不能成功的让他家人接受我。
虽然他身边的人都知道我的存在，
但唯独最重要的人却不知道。
这段感情真的会因为让他妈妈知道后而必须结束吗？
但我能做些什么呢？
我可以改变些什么吗？
避之不见就什么事都没了吗？
突然很害怕，真的很害怕得来不易的感情就这样结束。。。


其实我可以明白，
想当初妈妈也是因为担心我的学业退步而不允许我拍拖，
当时的我为了证明那并不对，
所以就算不爱那些书却还是拼了命让自己爱上那些课本。
最后终于让妈妈改变想法。

我想现在我唯一能做的就是尽力让他考取好成绩，
但是现在我已经帮不上什么忙了，
除了给他鼓励之外，
我什么都不能做。
突然好希望自己可以和他是course mate。。

What happen to me?

What happen to me this few days? Why suddenly keep on asking him come to find me again? I already know he don’t like this question, but I also don’t know why this few days I can’t control myself. So sorry dear, I really no heart to make you unhappy.I will try to control it for the coming day. Please don’t get angry before I can control myself ya.


Sometime even myself, i also can’t find the reason why I would like him to come find me. Is it really the time for me to bring him back home? Am I prepared? Is he prepared? And sometime feel like I should not asking him follow me back home or I follow him back his home. It looks like not really good for a girl to go guy’s house although it is very common nowadays because I don’t know how his parent view. Plus his mother still doesn’t know our relationship, I think it may be not the suitable time to go his house now.

Maybe i am a bit rush, but I just scare of it. In my point of view, everything will be fine once get permission from parents no matter from his side or my side. I am kind of worrying, always worry this worry that. Last few days always quarrel in library, finally we promise to each other cannot quarrel anymore, if not then we will not study at library anymore! Because of this promise, we did not quarrel for these two days.

This semester we have only 2 same subjects, starting feel like I am not that important to him anymore. He doesn’t need my help anymore. But actually I should glad with this, that’s mean now he already no need depends on me for his study anymore, he can study in his own, this is good news! This is what I wish to see last time. I know he will not leave me although he no needs me for his study anymore because he needs me for his life. Haha, start syok sendiri again. Anyway, that’s the way I make my life happier, think positively!! Feel so happy to have him as my dear, LOVE YOU!!

END OF MALACCA TRIP (31 of October 2010)

9.00am: We go downstairs having dim sum as our breakfast, it taste not bad.

10.00am: Back to hotel and start packing our thing. Haha, plan to go out at 11am, but in the end we pack until 12pm only go out.

12.00pm: Went to Maritime Museum have a walk there. Finally we took the first and also the only photo that consists both of us in this trip. After that, walking around again and enjoy the last moment in Malacca.

1.00pm: Go to 三叔公 have a walk then back to hotel take our things.

3.00pm: Arrived in Malacca Sentral again. Bought 4.30pm bus ticket, then having MacDonald ice-cream while waiting the bus coming.

7.00pm: UTM, here we come!!

With that, our 3days 2 night trip was ended. Although we walk a lot 冤枉路, but with it, we left our footprint in a lot of place Malacca. Next time if we come again, then we will remember the story when we pass by anywhere in Malacca town. Seriously, I am really enjoying this trip and it is the most memorable trip I ever had. The first time I go travel with the one I love, only both of us, can do anything we like. It seems like he knows what I worry about, this time he make a lot decision, we didn’t quarrel because of it. This trip improved our relationship a lot, and I know a secret of him. The person I envy for a long time is actually myself. Waiting for our next trip!!

but after few days, i realize that he is cheating me, th person is not me.. i still don't know who is she..

END OF MALACCA TRIP (30 of October 2010)

10.00am: Having breakfast at a shop near to our hotel, the food not really nice but it is quite cheap, noodle only RM3.

10.30am: Taking photo with the Hindu Temple, Mosque and also Cheng Hoon Teng Temple which is the oldest temple in Malaysia.

11.00am: Wants to visit Baba Nyonya Heritage, who knows we take the wrong way and walk for more than half an hour then finally we walk back to our hotel. OMG!! Since we already back to hotel then we go back and take the map. With the map, finally we find the Baba Nyonya Heritage, it is only less than 5minutes from our hotel!!

12.00pm: In our plan, it time for us to walk around Malacca town again, but finally we decide to go Ayer Keroh. Without wasting the time, we straight away go wait bus to Malacca Sentral and change bus to Ayer Keroh.

1.00pm: Arrived in Malacca Sentral. After asking from people there, then we took bus No. 19 to Ayer Keroh. I am too tired and finally fall asleep in the bus.

2.00pm: Arrived in Taman Mini Malaysia and Asian. We thought it is RM12 per entry, who knows it only costs us RM3 per entry with student card. It is just a place that we can see all the long houses in Malaysia and also Asian. It have 13 houses for Malaysia which represent 13 state in Malaysia and 9 houses for Asian which is Philippine, Thailand, Vietnam, Singapore, Brunei, Myanmar, Cambodia, Laos and Indonesia. Seriously, I like the wood house. Maybe it is because I am staying in wood house during my child time. Tell him some of my idea for my future house. Hope he remember it and do it in future if we really get marriage lar.. he he..

3.30pm: Finished visit all those houses. Walk for more than one hour, we are really tired and hungry. Rest for a while, and then continue with our journey. Thought to go Malacca Tropical Fruit Farm, who knows we can’t find the place, end up, we go having MacDonald as our lunch. Haiz, went to Malacca still need to eat fast food. After that we go Malacca Zoo take some photo and then back to Malacca Sentral because we want to go Portuguese Settlement in the night. Again, it takes a long time.

6.30pm: Reached in Portuguese Settlement. It is out of our expectation. We thought there will be a beautiful place, a lot of foreignness and have a lot of shows there. Who knows it have nothing, no foreignness no shows and no beautiful scene except the sunset that I would like to see with the one I love for a long time. Yes, this is the first time I watch sunset with a guy that I love so much. Hope next time can see sunrise with him, it will be first time also. We walk around there until the sun disappears then we go find our dinner there. Finally we choose a stall and order a Pari Fish, Oyster Kailan and also Satay. The fish is too big and it is really spicy, so he can’t eat a lot and finally I finished it. Both of us eat until super full!! We scare no bus back to our hotel in the late night, so we walk to wait bus at 8.45pm.

9.30pm: Waiting bus for almost one hour, finally we give up and decide to walk back to our hotel. With the map in our hand, we pass by Dataran Pahlawan, Mahkota Parade, Menara Taming Sari and finally clock tower after one hour time. It is really tired.

11.00pm: Back to hotel and rest.

Today really walk for a long distance, take a lot wrong way, he looks so tired at that night. So sorry to him, because I always give the wrong direction..

END OF MALACCA TRIP (29 of October 2010)

Finally our first 3days 2night Malacca trip was ended. Let’s review what we had done in these 3 days.

9.00am: He comes to KDSE fetch me and then we park our car at L50 there and taking taxi from FAB to Sri Putri. I think this is the first time we taking bus together.

9.30am: Arrived at Sri Putri and bought two 10am bus ticket. Malacca, here we come!!

1pm: Arrived in Malacca Sentral, he looks very happy at that time, because this is the first time he came Malacca. We thought can get information or map from information counter, who knows the information counter have nothing and finally we decided to buy a Malacca map. First time we open the map, what’s come to our mind is “What an expensive map!!”

2.30pm: Arrived in Cheng Ho Hotel after getting the direction from people around. Rent a room with only RM 30 per night, it is cheap. Although it doesn’t have bathroom attached but it has air-cond and the room is quite clean, not bad.

2.45pm: Having 鸡饭粒 at 中华茶餐室 as our lunch，maybe it is already afternoon, the rice is not as nice as what we had last time. After lunch, then we start our journey.

3.15pm: Start our journey at clock tower. We are using about 2 hours to walk around, including A Famosa.

4.50pm: Having cendol in front of clock tower. It tastes not bad. After that we went back to hotel take a bath and rest.

6.30pm: Went to Jonker Street search something for our dinner. Don’t know what to eat and finally we go to eat Laksa. It is the first time he orders Laksa for himself. Haha, i don’t know why he starting to learn eat spicy nowadays, but I will assume that he do this for me

7.35pm: Went to take Malacca River Cruise as we planned before. The journey took around 45minutes. The environment around is quite nice, but unfortunately, we can’t take photo together. The time when I come with his coursemate, I already decided to take this cruise with him next time, now the dream was comes true. Actually I have another dream, which is having my wedding in the ship. It is so romantic!!

9.00pm: Walking around and keep on taking photo. Like the feeling, the first time that we spend our time in walking around, chatting and taking photo.

9.30pm: Starting find something to eat as supper at Jonker Street. Finally we bought Durian Puff, Green Tea Egg and also Oyster.

10.30pm: Take our food back to hotel and eat. Wow.. Eat until very full and then go to sleep. OMG!! Don’t know will gain weight or not.

With that, comes to the end of our first day trip. Seriously, I also don’t know when we sleep at that night and how many hours we had slept, but I know it is a short time only.

End of Sem 10/11/1

Finally end the FKE party night. Took some photo with him, but feel like I am still not that pretty even though I have make up and wear a nice dress. He keeps on say my junior is very pretty and wants take photo with her sumore. And finally I am the person who brings him to find my junior and take photo. Aiks, since when I become so generous? Haha, I think it is because he already makes me more confident in our relationship ba. Like that day, he goes company with gals also, but I dint angry or worry pun, if last time, I sure will quarrel with him de. Haha, this will be a good to news to him and myself.


Seriously, I like current situation!!

One more day, one more quiz, then this sem will be end and start our study week. Friday, the day is coming, wait for a long time, finally we can go for a trip, and this is our first trip. Malacca, here we come.

Start searching information from last week and get some info on budget hotel. Range from RM30- RM50 and all of them is near to Malacca center plus there’s Malacca hop on hop off bus, it is so convenience, will go all around Malacca interesting place and cost only RM 5 per day. I think transport will not be a problem for us anymore. But i can't get any contact number from the website, so can't call and check availability. Never mind, can straight away go there and check in.

There’s a lot of interesting place in Malacca, with the hop on hop off bus, we can drop by every historical place, but I think it will only take us one day time oh. If like that, what can we do for second day? Shall we go Malacca zoo? Or go to Malacca Tropika Fruit Farm have a walk there? And i also heard people mention about Malacca Wonderland? Else, we can just get into the bus and go anywhere, once saw somewhere nice then drop by lor. Except from Malacca center, is there any others places is interested where we can take a lot photo, because I know he like to take photo, so that can review in the future.

Although it is so happy that can go a trip together, but seems like because of our trip, he going to miss a lot of activities.

Firstly, he loses the chance to join the float competition. I know he wish to join this competition, and I also convince him to postpone our trip, but he don’t want.

Second, he loses the chance to go the last AIESEC meeting, last week he also din go for the meeting.

Third, he loses the chance to join them go out drink alcohol. Haiz, it is he really like to drink? Should I let him go and join them? Erm, maybe we can go drink together lar..

Hehe, I hope everything will go smoothly…

OCTOBER

It is another busy month!! Every week at least one test or quiz make us just keep on studying. Feel bored with this kind of life. But what to do? This is what we choose from the beginning.

Although it is busy, but we still always go out eat something good. 30 of September, dinner with ddpianz. I think most of us are waiting this kind of gathering, but the truth is, it is actually not as perfect as what we had during our diploma. There's some gap between us. We have different topic, different point of view.

10 0f October, went Perling for dinner. Seriously, this dinner is better than the previous one. As they said, i already changed my status from ddpianz to SEE-ian.. I always hope this don't happen, but the situation tell me it was changed and i am trying to accept it. And finally, i accept it.

Next Saturday is our FKE Party, finally the day is coming, but i still thinking what to wear for that day. I have no time to buy a new dress and also shoes.. Really hope can be Beautiful at the night, therefore can taking photo with him during that night. We really long time does not taking photo together. I want photo for me to review in the future ah..

After that, one more week, we will start our study week, which mean we have one week holiday. As we promise last time, we want to have a trip to Malacca at that time. I know he want to go Malacca for a long time already, so i really hope this trip will be ON. After asking his opinion, i know that he don't want ask others for this trip. Yes, this will be our first trip without others. I am happy that this trip consists only both of us, but at the same time, some problem comes to me.
1. This trip will be how many days?
2. Which hotel should we stay?
3. We are not familiar with Malacca, where can we go for this trip??
4. Can i ask help from Hru?
5. How much is the budget for this trip?

This few days keep on searching information:
There's a lot of hotel at Malacca, got cheap got expensive, it's depends on our budget.
There's a lot of historical place at Malacca, can take a lot of picture. But how to getting there? I still cant find out the transport problem. Heard that got Malacca Shuttle Bus which will bring us go all interested place at Malacca. But i cant find any information on it yet.
This is the only information i get from this few days. I don't know what is his budget for this trip. Thinking to ask him, but i scare he will scold me. If we don't have budget. then it is really difficult to book a hotel, because the hotel price is really have big different for different hotel.
Still got two week time, i hope i can plan a good trip for him. Every things is under planning, then we won't facing the problem where both of us can't make a decision.

They had decided, after final, 2 december will go Genting. Feel so bad that i make every one waiting for me. Thinking to say i don't want go for this trip, but he say if i don't want go then he also don't want go. So, i decided to go. There's some problem, but i think no need to think of it first, because it is still long time to go and i think he will settle it. He he...

At this moment, i just need to make our Malacca Trip SUCCESS!!

28/9/2010

The sad day was passing and the happiness is coming. Feel so good recently, no quarrel, everyday end up with happy day. And nowadays he also starts to be the person who starts a message, so happy with it. Actually what I want is not much, just hope he can treat me good good then is enough already. But then maybe someone will say, how you define ‘GOOD’ ? Yup, it is difficult, different people different view. Haha hopefully his definition will be the same as me lar.


Seriously, I can feel this week he got treat me much better, I am happier than last time, don’t know whether he have the same feeling with me? But there’s still a problem, which is we still stuck on decide something, I can’t make a decision and the same goes to him. When this happen, both of us will keep quiet and this is what I don’t wish to see. How to change this situation? I still don’t have any idea ah.

One week was passed, it is really fast. Now can rest for awhile, because there is no test for the coming 2 weeks. But we need to submit business plan on Thursday and digital assignment on week 12. Hopefully can done it earlier so that can concentrate on statistic and electronic test.

Final time table was out, it is too bad my final paper is on 2 of December he is on 29 of November. What he gonna do after he finished his last paper? They want to go genting after final paper, but my paper will be last on 2 of December, feel so guilty need them to wait for me. But I really hope to go genting with him for a long time already, this is a good chance, if I miss it, I don’t know when is the next time will be. Hopefully this will plan will be success.

Bought a rice cooker, thinking to cook something for him. 茶叶蛋，肉骨茶are the only two things I think to cook. Really hope to do something for him for a long time already, but I scare not delicious ah, every time I do something for him he also say not nice one. And finally I had cook茶叶蛋today. The first time I cook something for him, don’t know delicious or not, but I know there’s still room of improvement, hope next time will be more delicious.

失败女友

事情怎么会演变成现在这个模样，
我真的不知道为什么。
打电话，你不接；
写信息，你不回；
最后关机了。
很想知道，我真的那么让人讨厌吗？

第一次看他那么生气，
而且我不知道自己错在哪里了。
以前就算生气他依然会接我的电话，会回我信息。
无论什么原因使他那么生气，
现在的我只希望他可以回复我的信息，
回个电话，
给我个机会对他说声对不起。
但这一次，他很坚持；
就算他知道我人不舒服，他还是那么的坚决。

除了等待，
现在的我能做些什么吗？
我真的很想做些什么，
但是看着时间一分一秒，
滴滴答答的走着，
电话还是没有动静，
不曾响过。

第一次，觉得身为别人女友的我真的很失败，彻底失败了。
第二次的恋爱失败后，
我一直都在提醒自己要做个明白事理的女友，
好让我的男友和我一起没有压力。
努力了很久，
但是我想我还是失败了，
永远都达不到一个理想女友的条件。

如果有天他不经意的来到这里，我真的很想告诉他：
“我真的很爱他，很希望我们可以开开心心的一起，
对不起，亲爱的！”

what i plan to do during holiday

Finally I am going to find my friend al Johor, stay at her house for 3 days, it is quite good feeling. That day shopping alone at Skudai Parade while waiting her brother-in-law comes to fetch me. Long time doesn’t shopping alone already, but don’t know why this time I don’t like the feeling. Feel myself very pity in shopping alone although sometime I do enjoy to shopping alone. For the first time I drive outside UTM, I am not that scare already.

Enjoy for 3days, should back to normal life already. Feel like my progress is a bit late, I doesn’t follow up everything that I had plan before holiday start, I need to rush a bit, so that everythings will be in progress.
So sorry to him, because I really don’t know will make him feel unhappy because of the sad emotion. And I also just realise it after he inform me about it. I promise to myself, no more sad face. Although it is hurt, but I like the feeling that he can telling me the truth, so that I can make a changes.

Suddenly think of going back home, but I know it is too late, today is Monday already, I don’t have much time to finish up every things. What is the reason why I stay here? I think I am the only one who knows the actual reason. When they asking me this question, I just answering them with I want to have a good rest here and also no money. Seriously, this is not my purpose.

At first, hope I can do the autocar during this holiday, but due to some reason, I give up already. Second, I hope I can finish doing notes for electronic and statistic, so that I can teach him when test2 is come. I think that’s the only thing I had done. Economic I still haven’t finished yet, test is coming. Third, although I know it is impossible, but I still hope miracle will happen. Haiz, feel myself is so so so stupid!! Miracle will never happen, please wake up!! Finally, I hope I can get slim during this holiday, but I failed again. Due to jogging, my heart problem occurs again and my pimples come out again, so I decided to give up jogging instead of give up cure my face.

Recently, walk in a lot facial central, get a lot information and package from them. All is very expensive, but I know if I not taking the treatment, then my face will not cure that easy or maybe won’t cure. By considering the distance factor, I decided to take the TamanU package, it cost me about RM1000. But I have no choice on it except I don’t want cure my face, I think nobody would like to have a girlfriend who face like me ba? The problem comes again, the treatment needs about 2hours, is he willing to fetch me there and then come to fetch me back after 2hours? I haven’t discussed with him yet.

Yesterday waiting his message until fall asleep. Why don’t give him a message before I sleep? Because I found that I am the one who always message him when the holiday starts, he only did it once. It was different with what I promise to him before, so I needs to control myself again. 5more days to go. Hope everything will be better.

Good day

Today is a good day, wake up in 9.30am, although headache but I am happy. Because yesterday we sms until I sleep, long time no like that liao. Finally I failed to control myself from sms him. But don’t know why today he is so good, sms with me from 1pm until 9pm non-stop. Last time at most he will accompany me until 5pm then he will tell me he want go to take a nap, but today he didn’t take a nap because accompany me? So touch ah:)

Seriously I like the feeling, but last time he did mention that he don’t like to sms all the time, so tomorrow I think I should control myself already. Sometime I will think that last time before we together I can sms him all the time and he also will reply me all the time but why after we together I can’t do that anymore? After think twice then I know why, because I want be a considerable’s girl friend. Last time we are just friend, maybe he don’t dare to reject me or tell me the truth, but now I am his girl friend so he telling me the truth, I should glad that he will tell me the truth. Since he is telling me the truth then I will try my best to not doing that anymore lor. This is same as when he wants me to keep fit, then I will try my best to achieved it although sometime it is quite difficult. Like today, I feel tired when I wanna go for jogging, but I insist to go just because I had promise him to do so.

Today heart become more pain after come back from jogging, more serious than last few days, I also don’t know why. Suddenly think of last time during my diploma life, got one night also like that, can’t breathe during midnight, it is really scare me ah. I wish this won’t come to me again ah. Don’t dare to tell him about it, I think if he knows about it then he maybe will not allow me to go jogging anymore. Like that my become slimmer dream will never come true already lar.

Feel weird why our floor always got guys, i am actually scared, so don’t dare to go out of my room if not necessary. Hope everything will go smooth during this holiday ah.

Yesterday someone asking me a question, did you go to ah fai’s house? I answer no, the next question, did he come to your house? I answer no. Then today another people ask me, why don’t want got to your boy friend house during this holiday? Haiz, these two persons make me think of the question again. I already promise to myself don’t want think of this problem anymore ler, why you all want to make me think of it again oh? So sad:(

Yesterday suddenly something appears in my mind. Which is asking him to go genting next week. But it’s just a dream lar, go to check genting website see if got hotel or not but cant load that page and I also don’t dare to asking him. I know he want stay at home for his holiday. So just continue dreaming ba. As long as sometime he sms with me jiu enough already lor..

He say he will jealous if I going out lunch with other guys, so I think I should not going out them during this holiday except got girls lar. At the same time, he told me that he will follow me and do the same thing as well, is it he also wants go out with girls? Seriously I don’t care if he going out with other girls, but I will very care if he go out with HER. Ya, until today I still care of this, I still can’t pass myself. He didn’t reply my message after I tell him that he cannot go out with someone, is it he angry already? I know I should believe on him, but in this case I don’t believe her. So sorry to say that, but it is a truth. I hope he will understand my feeling.

~Second day~

Second day of holiday, i also don't know what i had done in this two day. Go jogging for two days already, long time din go for jogging, 1st day jogging make my whole body very pain, but because of him, i will continue to do so. I want become slimmer as he request, but is it jogging will make me become slim?? I think not enough, i should control my meal, maybe learn from hru, become vegetarian is a good choice.

Don't know why my heart starts pain again, but not very serious, so i didn't plan to tell him this, because I don't want he worry about me. Although every time he also didn’t say he is worry me, but i know actually he did worry of me. Just let him enjoy his holiday at his home.

That’s another reason I decided to not sms him during this holiday, don’t want disturb his life during this holiday. Even though sometime I will take my phone and type a message when I miss him, but in the end I will delete it. I don’t know whether this decision correct or not, but I did tell him before, if he miss me or want to chat with me, of course I am willing to chat with him, so what I do is just waiting for his massage.

So sorry to him, because last few days I keep on saying want go his home again. Last time promise him won’t mention about this topic anymore, but I failed to keep my promise, so sorry. I am trying to control myself already. But because of everyone asking me to go their house when I say I am not going back home during this holiday, then I think of it again:( I don’t know what’s the reason he not allow me to go, maybe because of his mother not allow him to pak tuo during study time, maybe because it is not a suitable time, maybe because I am not a good girlfriend so he don’t dare to bring me back, or maybe because i am not beautiful enough, he scare his mother wont accept me. No matter what is the reason, as long as this is what he want then I will just follow, i know he have his own reason to do so, I don’t want make him trouble. Haiz, try to control yourself ah!!

This time is 2 weeks holiday, I believe that time will pass very fast, last time 3 months holiday also no problem, this time should not be a problem ba. Jia You!!

Weird Personality

Recently feel like very sad once I am alone. Maybe more accurate is when he is not beside me. Going for the class with a bad mood, crying alone in the toilet, I really don’t know why this will happened on me, is it I am too stress or what? But why once I saw him my mood will become good? When facing others, I even don’t know how to smile, but once I met him, I will be happy, at least can saw my smile. Like today, walking around at FKE for about one hour, I don’t know where should I go and finally I walked to P16 and find him although that time his class still haven’t finished, I just hope that I can see him as early as possible.

Feel like everyone around me are pretending themselves, even someone close to me also the same, the only person I can trust is him. Seriously I don’t like this kind of situation, but I think this is life, everyone is selfish. I always convince people to voice out the truth even it will hurt others, but I can’t do it myself. Yup, I am bu shuang with her during lab, she choose to do something that she like to do, and keep something she dislike to others then she just keep on chatting with someone else besides. Why she never think that those things she like people may interested also and those things she don’t like people also don’t like to do. We are one group, why can’t you think of others? That’s why I don’t like to talk much with her recently ba.

I really don’t know how to pretending myself when I dislike the person. I think in this situation, I really not that pro if compare to them. Behind the person can keep on saying their bad thing, but in front of the person can be very good with the person. Why they can act in two faces? Should I learn from them? Suddenly feel like I am lost in my life. I don’t know how to control my feeling in front of others, tears much easier to drop down. I think I will fail in my life soon.

The only thing in my brain is him. Every time going out with him I will stay happy, once leave him I will become so sad. I need a big hug from him, but he never gives it. Maybe in front of him I always like a happy gal, so he never realise that I am sad actually. But I don’t dare to tell him all this things, I scare will spoil his mood, I just hope he will always stay happy. This is me, always want people do something, but I am the one who can’t achieve it.

Two more days, holiday will start soon and he will leave me and back to KL. For the coming two weeks I will be alone, this is what I have chosen, I chose to stay here, my choice, can’t blame anyone and I also won’t ask him to stay here accompany me although sometime I will say like that, but it is actually just a joking. I know he is already long time didn’t go back to his home, he is missing his home and I believe his mother also miss her son so much. From the starting I already know this is a difficult way to go, but I choose to believe, I believe miracle will happen, but I don’t know when is the day, and also I not sure I will maintain until the day come or not, but at least I try already.

I will try to find back the normal me…

why??

Why things become like that?? Tomorrow will be the day I waiting for a long time, but why we quarrel today just because a small thing? What should I do now? I even don’t dare to message him or call him. Is my fault again? I really don’t know. Maybe tomorrow will just be a normal day bah. I know miracle won’t happen on tomorrow. Like what he say to me, I am a 梦婆,always like to dreaming and the dream will never comes true.

But I hope at least tomorrow both of us will be happy, don’t quarrel already ok ma? Should I give him a message or a call? I miss him so much…

Just a Wish

should i be happy or what??
Waiting for a long time,
the day is coming,
i am sad last few week ago,
because he is away on 27-29 August,
but suddenly his camp was postponed,
that's means he is free on Sunday- our 1st year anniversary.

But why i feel scare??
I scare the day to come,
because i don't have any idea for that day,
at first i thought he will go to the camp and when he come back also late already, we can only having dinner together, so i didn't think anything. Now is so sudden his camp was postponed, but i still got test on Saturday, suddenly feel so sad why i have test on Saturday, why i should take Calculus this semester?? If not maybe we can go somewhere else on Friday or what.. But now, we can't:(

Because of no idea, i scare maybe we will quarrel because of it again... He don't know where to go, i don't know where to go, finally will ends up with: not going anywhere and quarrel in that day. I don't want this to happen ah, i hope our 1st anniversary will be a unforgotable day. How to make it?? I have no idea ah.. Anyone will help me??

Suddenly become a bit greedy, wish that he will plan everything and give me small surprise this weekend. Possible or not?? Miracle will happened or not? Should i believe? Last time i also never think that his camp will be postponed, but now miracle was occurs, so is that another miracle will occurs also? Hmmm, wake up from dreaming :P

Just a wish, he won't know what i think in my brain, and he need to prepared for his micropi quiz and power test as well, i also don't wish he spend his time on me. I will never request from him, because i know this from the beginning... I don't want to burden him.. I know it's a difficult job for him to think of activity or any idea.. Anyway it's just a wish in my mind.. Wish coming day will be happy day, at least don't quarrel during this period:) I will control my temper as well la...

Critical Time

Finally finished the first program that i join-IEM BBQ NIGHT. But actually this program does not archived our purpose although there are more than hundred participants joined this program. Because of this program, everyday i sleep at 2am and wake up early. I'm really tired but happy because time pass every fast until i have no time to do revision and think something nonsense. I think this is what i want when the time i decided to stay at IEM, make myself busy.

One thing that i worried is starting, he start to be unhappy when i tell him that i have meeting or not free. I know the feeling, because last time when he told me that he is not free i will unhappy also, that's the reason i join IEM to make my life busy. But things usually come imperfect, i thought it will be good if i make my life busy, but now it become we both busy for the whole week. Monday and Wednesday night he got class, Thursday we usually have a quiz, Saturday he have meeting and Sunday i have meeting. The only time that both of us free is Friday, but sometime got activity held on Friday, so the whole week will be busy.

At the first time when he told me that he is not happy i be so busy, i really decided to quit IEM, but when i told him, he keep on asking me to stay. Actually BBQ NIGHT is the only program in external affair for this semester so i should not be so busy for the coming days. Just sometime need to do something for NTU-NUS program and motivation camp.

But now the robot project had been approved, and i interested to contribute in doing robot, so i will busy again at least until 1 of October. So sorry with it, something that i can say is even i am so busy, but i never forget about him. I am trying my best to do something for him. Wake up in the early morning although i am still sleepy just wanna doing notes for Electronic System and Statistic so that i can teach him once both of us have free time. Wake up in the early morning just wanna joining their activity so that we can have more time together although i am tired. And he will never know about this..

Recently there's a lot of quarrel between us, i am so sad and sometime crying alone in the room. Sometime i also don't know what's the reason we quarrel. Sometime i will blame myself, if i not joining IEM then this all will not happen. But what can i do now?? How good if one day got 24 hours? So that i can use the extra 24hours to do something for him. I wishes i can maintain this relationship by control my temper in front of him. Wish me luck!!

He is tired

Today saw something in his facebook, i think this time he is really very tired already...Last time no matter how tired he is, he also won't post it in facebook. Maybe because last Sunday he forget to do his prelab, and someone keep on asking him to go a meeting which is not related to him and finally he do the prelab until 3am, I am so sorry that i remind him on Sunday, if i can remind him early, then he no need do until so late. Think a lot after saw his post, now only i realize that actually he is complaining to me recently. He is not the first time telling me that he don't want go for the meeting, i thought he is just joking, now only i know he is not kidding but he is really tired already.

He keep on asking me go for a movie, i also hope we can go, but we have no time to go. Monday and Wed he have night class, Tues i have IEM meeting, Thursday i have test. The only free time is Friday but he not sure he will have meeting or not. What i want to say is can i help him take a leave?? i really hope he can has a good rest, i am very sad see him like that. Hope he will enjoy in this Thursday, i really don't mind he didn't bring me go as long as he is happy and i also know that the most happier time is when he is together with 8233's gang..

At first, i thought he will be busy for this sem and i don't want be alone, so i stay in IEM, but now because of i also have meeting, we have no time to go out, starting confuse whether my decision correct or not. But now is too late, i won't quit at least for this semester.

What i want to say is, no matter what, no matter how, i will always beside you and support you. Jia you ya.. You canhave a good rest after one month, let's us countdown!!

Busy weekend

This week is a busy week, but i also don't know i busy with what. Opening booth, meeting, visit Crystal Crown, Welcoming Day and Babi-cute, then one week was past.

Opening booth, i also can't believe that i can take care the booth with her for two hours and then having lunch together sumore. I think it will be a good news for him:)

Welcoming day, seriously feel so guilty when junior say i am cheating them come to Welcoming day. Haiz, don't dare to promote the BBQ night and fac night already ah. This is the first time i wake up in the early morning because of society since i enter UTM, can say it is quite enjoy la, busy life make me no free time to think of bad thing.

In the night, after back from Welcoming Day and rest for a while then went to Balai Cerap for the Babi-cute. I should happy with this event de, but there's something in the middle make me a bit unhappy. No doubt, i am still care the touch action. Although i am trying to accept her but it does not mean i can accept her to touch him. My EQ tell me i cant angry at that moment and finally i succeed. I think i will be more and more good in controlling my feeling in front of others.

Today morning 9am got meeting with fac night committee until 12pm, then going out for lunch. Today he told me that he is not free on 29 of August. Yup, i am super duper sad because of this news, but i can do nothing. I know, i can say nothing, nothing i can say, because whatever i say he will still go for the camp. So i just can keep quiet and let him go although i am not willing to do so. It's still have one month time for me to accept the truth that he will not with me at that day. Suan le, it's not the first time, last time when we together 100days he also not with me, first Valentine's day he also not with me. T_T

Coming Thursday, Friday and Saturday, he will be busy again and i need to fulfill my time with my own activity. I don't know whether my decision to stay at IEM right or not, because of IEM sometime i will be busy when he is free and vice verse. I don't like be like that, if i am not wrong there's a case beside me, because both of them are super busy and no time together then having a lot of quarrel and finally break up, i really don't want this happen. But i know if i always stay in the room, then i will keep on thinking nonsense and make myself sad. So, i think i need to do something in order to prevent myself think too much.

That day cyrus told some of my past to someone, seriously i am super angry with it. I don't like to mention about those past tense if possible. I not understand why he always like to talk about people past. I hope no body will know it except for those from diploma. But because of Cyrus, i think may have more and more people know about it. I hate this happen!! Tell him about this, but he say nothing to console me. I will try to forget all about it...

When i am free

Tomorrow will have the first quiz in this semester, but i have no mood to study now, i am now stay at PSZ and waiting him for dinner. Nothing i can do here, so start to think and write something.

Yesterday is the first time went for IEM meeting. It's out of expectation, the meeting is relaxed. I like this kind of meeting. I think i had make the decision, i want continue stay in IEM. Now only i know this sem IEM will have a lot of activities during this semester and next semester. I am interested in the industry visit and also NTU-NUS program. Besides that, i also curious on the Just for run, run for nothing program.. Wow, sound good, hopefully every project can be done on time.

Coming Saturday is IEM Welcoming Day, the participant is still not much, hopefully can archive the target by Friday ba. I will try to promote this to my junior and others. I believe we can do it de, although it's not under my department, but i am a bit excited also:)

Today is 28 of July, still got one month then it's our 1st anniversary, no matter how, i hope we can together at that day. No need any present or flower, i just want we can together at that day, don't let me alone at that day. It's our 1st anniversary and i checked already, we will finished all the tests by 28 of August so please don't tell me that you are not free at that day, i will be very sad...The only excuse is you have Power Engineering test during that day..If not, then please no excuse...

Thank You

Finally i told him the truth where i want to tell him for a long time. Although i am not really saying out, but i know he should know it, i already give a big hint. One more thing i should tell him is, i am a bad gal before entering Uni, but i am bad only before enter UTM, everything was changed since i enter UTM. Be a bad gal for 4years, i really very regret of it:(

But i think i should give him sometime to think of it, because yesterday i am cried in front of him, maybe he see i am cry so just tell me you don't care. So, i decided to give him one month time to think of it, if he really can accept it then i will very happy, if he can't then i think we should end the relationship, because it's more hurt if after long time then only he tell me he cant accept it and want to leave me with this reason. So, one month time, if he want to break then we will break before our 1st year anniversary:(

I am really scare, because my friend have the same case with me, the first day she told her bf about it, her bf can't accept it, but after one week, he change his mind and say can accept it, but after 2months they together then the guy change mind again and say he can't accept it and want to end the relationship. I scare this will happen on me, so please don't treat me like that, i really hope he can think properly in this one month time.

I don't know one month time is enough for him to make a decision or not,but before our anniversary, if i don't get any bad news from him, then i will start to convince myself so that never think of this anymore, like what he say, it's the past, i will let it disappear from my mine. At that time, i will start my new life because of him:)

For now, Thank you very much!!
Because you still accept it at this moment...

Disappointed

Due to the risk of typhoon, finally we postpone the trip to Taiwan. Aunt say can go in the end of the year, but maybe at that time, there's something else happen and we can't go again! So sad, why my dream will never come true? I thought this time i really can fly to Taiwan, who knows needs to cancel again, very sien ah. Hopefully the GOP will ON, i think that's the only chance for me to go oversea during my Uni-life. Course mate, don't disappointed me again ah..

Today go for the Fac night meeting in the early morning, after meeting then i went to PSZ, waiting his message for lunch, again, WAIT again and don't know need to wait until what time, I am hungry now:(

Tonight, will dinner with June, long time didn't chat with her already. Since i came to UTM Skudai, we always say find a time to meet up, but always not free, finally now we can meet up already. Still thinking where to eat for tonight, Station 1 or old town??

Just now Cyrus ask me a good question, i want to be tutor for Mandarin Class or not? Seriously, i am thinking this question for a long time. Maybe i can request for the Monday class since he also have English class on Monday, therefore we can having dinner together and he no need purposely fetching me back KDSE after dinner. I know KDSE is very far away, how good if i can have my own car!

But the problem is my parent just bought a new car for my younger brother, we need to pay for elder brother edu-fee, we need to pay the loan for the shop and house. We have no extra money already, as their daughter, i need to considerate these all things and therefore i know it's impossible for me to ask for another car.

The only thing i can do is share petrol money with him. Sometime i really need his help to fetch me, but i don't know how to ask him to do this for me, because it's actually not his responsible to fetch me, maybe others people will think it is, but i don't think so. Although i am willing to share petrol money but i don't know whether he is willing to fetch me or not. Because fetching me is really a kind of troublesome. For example just now at KP, i need someone fetch me back, but i don't dare to ask him, because i know from K11 to KP need to travel a long distance and this will waste him a lot of time.

I don't know how, i just know the best way is i have my own car. So, i need to find my own money in my own!!

Thursday

Another Thursday with a happy ending. Start to like Thursday already..
Maybe he is starting try to understand what i think in my mine...
Yesterday, i am not angry, but i am too tired so just say good night to him without any others word, sorry la, i really no angry, i know you shit because no electricity ah..

This morning, accidentally saw him and her sit together in the Computer Lab, at first i also think nothing de, but after hru say something, then i start think of it again:( i know i am bad, but i am curious why she go away after i walk into lab? Just coincidence or what? And why she will sit beside him? What you all talk before i walk in, start to imagine and think too much. But i don't dare to ask, i scare will create something bad between us. I don't want this happen again.. So, i choose to wait and believe. Wait him tell me if he want; Believe him, there's nothing:)

Actually, sometime i really not thinking too much de, but after heard something from others, then i will influence by them, too bad, i am really easy influence by others. I need to change this attitude. Believe myself i can do it...

This afternoon, he didn't accompany me go in the printing shop, yup, i am a bit bu shuang, plus i thought he don't know i bu shuang then become more bu shuang, but in fact he know there's something wrong with me. Sorry la, i misunderstand you again.:)

At night, before he come, something came into my mine:
" maybe i can request something from him, so that we can having dinner together without others at least one times in a week."
Then i start wishes tonight he will not bring cx and we can go Jusco after dinner.
But then after i finished thinking, i receive message from Casey telling that they are going to eat at Super7. That time i already decided to eat with them although i wish to be two people world. Because i know this is what he want.

These are what i think before he come. Who knows when he come, cx really not inside the car. Besides that, when i telling him Casey them at Super7, he did ask my opinion whether want to eat with them or not. In the end, he ask me want to go Jusco or not. Wah, this is something call 心有灵犀？？Yup, i like this feeling!! Especially when he asking me what happen to me in the afternoon:)

Keep it on!! I am willing to change, reduce my angry times de... Trust me...
♥~Love you so much~♥

Decision

Finally i had decided to go for the Taiwan trip, now still need to wait see whether my Aunt confirm or not. If she also confirm, then we can register, once register, then i am going to Taiwan soon...Yeah!!

No doubt, how good if he can go with me!! But i know i can't force him, because it's not an easy things. My financial also just enough for me to go so i need to save money start from now. Everyday eat at cafe i think can save a lot gua.. Haha..

Really no force, just last time he did mentions said that he want to go Taiwan so i ma ask him lor. Of course, if he can go with me then i will super duper happy lar..

Today, one more people saying that he is a good guy!! Omg, why everyone say he is a good guy har?? A good guy, no temper guy, handsome sumore!! Not only his friends say like that, my friend also say like that, some of them even envy on me that i can have him as my boyfriend tim.. They make me feel like i'm 生在福中不知福 ah.

It's seems like i am very dangerous ler.. Haha, just kidding, seriously, i starting believe on his love. Although recently there's a lot of things happen, but i know if we can tolerance with each others, everything can be settle easily. Fai, i really trust on you!!

I am still on the learning stage.. Add oil ya!!

Malacca Trip without you

for the first time i joined them without you. First of all, I know he is sad because cant joined this trip. Not only he sad on this, we all also feel sad he can't joined it. When we go anywhere, eat anything or when taking picture, we will think of him. Really sorry because we go on this week and actually i also know it at the last minutes and i make a decision within 15minutes. We go on this weekend is just a chong dong, everyone know that if delay again then maybe can't go in the end..
Really hope he will be better, don't wish to see my dear in bad mood. We still got chance, can go next time ah..

Actually i also a bit sad that he can't joined See them hold hand and very sweet then i will think of him. At first i also think not joining them de, but finally i decided to go is because i know these two days he also can't eat with me and i also alone in the room. Besides that, i really hope i can mixed with his friend, be more sociable.

After think for a week, i know as his girl friend, i should not reject him to eat with his Aiesec friends, i am trying to accept his friends is my friends. So, if next time they invite me to eat with them again, then i think i wont reject again laa.. But i also don't know still got chance or not, maybe they already feel bored after getting rejected by me for a few times.

First week was end, i do nothing, quiz is coming, test is coming, should start study already...

i am useless

One thing suddenly appear in my mine, why am I so useless?

Seeing everyone beside me had changed a lot, join activities, but still I am alone. Everyday sit in front laptop and playing facebook. Still the same, don’t want to change. I know if I still be like that, I will never succeed in my life.

First of all, join IEM. Thought can get something from there, but it’s seems like not, because of different department, I already ignored by them. Should I quit it or find them in my own? Seriously, I am scare, I scare I can’t communicate with the director.

Second problem, just a registration of the subject. I also can’t decide myself. I am confuse whether I should take this subject or not. 18credits hours, I can handle it or not? I really don’t know and I am loss now. After think for a few hours, finally I didn’t submit the form, which mean I din take the subject again.

I am so regret because last time run away from the OGM of Mandarin class. I know, if that day I didn’t run away, I may get something from there. But now, I get nothing. Even now I have the heart to be tutor again, but I need to think twice, is it I really willing to take out my night time. Still have one week to think.

Maybe I already make a wrong decision since 4years ago. I shouldn’t been kl, I should stay at hometown that time. Why I am here now? Even myself also can’t get an answer.

Aiesec, Exchange, IEM, Choir, Mandarin Class, Golden Key, Jogging and so on. I can’t even joined one of them. Why am I so useless? Who can save me now?

I am a loser!!

seriously i am super sad today. Too many things happened recently. Not only the problem of our relationship, also about the friendship.

Finally, they are staying the same floor with me and i am going to meet them everyday. I know i can do what i had decided before i back to UTM. I know i can accept this friend again, believe in myself, because this is what he want to see..

This two days, i feel i am alone in the class because ru is not come for the class. Sitting alone, listen to lecturer alone, especially today.I am wonder why this afternoon no body want to sit beside me although there are a lot place beside me and most of them i recognize one. I am a loser :(

Now only i know why i will angry everytime when he tell me he cant lunch or dinner with me. Because i am scare. I don't know i should find who for dinner. Like just now, i am hungry, but don't know should find who eat with me. Find them, they will ask why not eat with him and maybe they will thought we quarrel. If i go alone and let others see me, they will ask why alone and don't know what will they think. So at the end, i eat biscuit in my room. I think i should prepare more biscuit inside my room due to the reason he will very busy for this semester and cant eat with me.

Seriously, i couldn't figure out what is the problem between us. I thought i am a good girlfriend, but i think in his heart, i am not at all. Who can teach me how to be a good girlfriend?

Just now he told me that he want to invite me to the MIA, but he know i will reject him. No doubt, he is right, i will reject him. I am not going to join AIESEC activities, because as i know at there everyone is speaking in English and my English is too weak, i don't want lose his face. That's also the reason why i don't want lunch or dinner together with them.

This time i am really loss, i really wish we can be happy always, but why the truth is always opposite? We are always quarrel and it's hurt. Although i can't see he is sad, but i know he won't be good also, just maybe he can control his emotion very good and keep every things inside his heart.

Although i thought i can be a good girlfriend...But now this condition, i know i am not a good girlfriend!! Really sorry..
I will try to understand you...

Waiting

Finally, i am back to UTM again. No doubt, i am so touch because that day he was coming to fetch me at Sri Putri. But i think out relationship doesn't become better after that day even we meet each other everyday. I thought we will have a time to sit down and talk again, but seems like he don't have this kind of thought. He never mention on that day things and also din't reply my email. I really don't know what he think. I am confusing if i should ask him out for a talk or not, i scare things will become worse if we continue like that.

I really hope myself can be used to it where he will be busy for this whole semester or maybe this whole year. But i know i can't, just now when he tell me he is not free on tuesday, wednesday, friday and sunday, i was angry. But i din't show it out, don't know he has realize my unhappiness or not.

I am angry because just now he is late for almost half an hour, i really don't like to wait, but he always and i cant angry in front of him.
Again, i am tired with it...

I think i should not go though his timetable without acknowledge him, i think he will angry with this. Sorry, now only i realize that only me one person care of his timetable, i care whether we can having lunch together or not, but i feel like he don't think like that, because he never ever ask for my timetable.

I hate to wait!!
Don't everytime ask me wait for your message!!
Don't everytime ask me wait for your call!!
i really really hate it!!
Please...

three months holiday will be end soon. For the first month of this holiday always went to my aunt house baking cake, learn some baking skills. Besides that, almost everyday i prepare meal for m family. This is the first time i spend my holiday with this activities. Sometime i am wondering why i like to bake and cook. I think i had get an answer, where it's my habit and also i hope in the future i can do all this things for my family..

At first, i plan celebrate birthday with my, but he don't let me g kl find him, i am sad with this because i plan to bake a cake for him. But i need to cancel my plan.

During this holiday, we have a lot of quarrel, even myself also don't know the reason we quarrel. I think the only time we din quarrel is during the time he was at china. Because during that period i always telling myself cannot angry. Whatever he do i have to accept it. Maybe because of this reason, my mentally become not stable and always complaint after he back from China.

But the problem is he never know what is the reason i complaint, he just think that i am all the time. I am wondering why he can treat me like that.. As jko said, maybe the way i treat him was wrong, i need to change my style, talk to him, tell him what i want..

The day he went Cameron Highland, i had post an article for him, i know he still haven't read it yet, and i also worry about what will happen after he read the article, but anything happen i will accept it since i was think of the worse situation..

To more weeks, new semester will be start, don't know what will happen in next semester again.. The only things i know is I NEED A CHANGE!!

16/04/10

One more day, then we need to separate with each others for 3months.. He is going to China for exchange soon. During the exchange, he cant use the phone and i cant online, i think we will lost contact for at least one month. Don't know how to describe my feeling.. Feel so sad..

Maybe this time is a good time for me to learn the life without him. For me to become much more independent. But actually i don't like, i still like to depend on him. I like the feeling that he give me safety-ness..

What can i do for his birthday? All of my plan has been canceled, i really have no idea, because i scare my idea will be ban again. Sorry, at the end i think i won't celebrate birthday with you.

What will happen tomorrow? What i gonna do tomorrow? I am lost..

For the following 3months, i think i need to start keepfit and make my face back to last time. I really hope that what i want will achieve when the new sem start. Give me some energy to continue it!! Dare to challenge it!!

11/04/10

Due to final exam, i have no time to update my blog, even my diary i also have no time to write it.

Today, i finished one more paper, just left one paper-numerical method. I have no mood to study already, keep on thinking what should i do after exam and during the sem break.

Will back home on Saturday, at first i have one plan, but due to some reason, i have to change my plan. Sometime, i will ask myself one question:" Why we always quarrel because of her?" But never, i never get an answer. Again, yesterday we quarrel because of her, maybe i can say not quarrel, just ' bu shuang'.. But i really don't like this feeling, it's hurt.

Next semester get single room, finally i can run away from choosing roommate and i tend to run away from their life, if i needs to face her everyday, i needs to pretend myself everyday, don't like myself become like that, so finally i tell ru the truth that don't wanna stay with them and luckily, ru understand and she stand beside me, not staying with them. Thanks ru!!

Today, after exam, i think a lot, i should not angry because of her anymore. If i continue like that, maybe one day i will lost everything and she will be the winner!! I needs to learn how to become generous, i needs to accept everything, hopefully one day he will realize what i have done...

But this Saturday, no matter how i will follow him back, even i tell myself needs to be generous, but still i can't imagine what will happen if i let both of you back alone. Sorry, i really i can't do that!!

21 of April, it's your birthday, what should i do? Plan to find you, but it's not a easy job, i think i can't go out from home again if i back on Saturday. But this is your first birthday after couple with me, i really hope to celebrate with you, i am wonder if you also have the same feeling??

3 months holiday, how to spend it?
3 months holiday, how could i survive without you?
3 months holiday, how to control myself so that i won't angry with you?
3 months holiday, can you promise me that you will not going out with her anymore?
3 months holiday, can you promise me will contact with me everyday?

I don't like the feeling where everyday i needs to message you but you never message me...

20/03/10

Time now is 10.00am, will having my first consultation one by one face to face with my lecturer, very gan jeong.. still thinking what should i talk later. Come psz so early, hope can get some ling gan here, but still my brain is blank now.

English final presentation is coming soon, i haven't prepare my script, haven't do my slide.. No idea about the presentation. Hope to do a perfect presentation, but it's too hard. I have not enough time already, 4days time, no enough for me to memorize the script until lecturer can't feel that i'm memorize. This time maybe try to talk slow slow, this is what i get from him and i also feel myself talk too fast because too gan jeong.

Sei fo, feel headache now, for sure is not enough sleep. Yesterday at 3something, wake up at 7.30am today, 4hours sleeping, where got enough. I am wonder why i want to make myself trouble, spend a lot of time for it and finally make myself sad only. I think i should not think about the past thing!!

Yesterday is daddy birthday, for the first time i call my daddy when his birthday. I can feel his happiness, before i call back my brother have call back too. If i can back home give him a surprise, then for sure he will more surprise! But so sad, because of EMT, i cant back home.

18/03/2010

this Saturday will be my English consultation day with my English lecturer, Mr. Amir. due to information from others who had done the the consultation, they say it si just a normal conversation. Normal conversation? Means i need to talk a lot rather than he talk. He already told us that he will evaluate according how well we can express ourselves.

Have no idea what to talk at that day. What i had learn due from this course?? No doubt, i had learned a lot things from Mr. Amir. I'm thinking to do something to improved my English, but still i cant get the idea. Maybe can ask opinion from him during the consultation.

Although i know it's very difficult to get an A, but still i wishes i get can an A, i wishes to get RM700 from UTM again. With this RM700, i can do a lot of things. The most important is that i can prove to my parents that study really get earn money.

Yesterday my mother call me again, at first we are talking with good feeling, but at the end when she told me that her leg was pain again until can't walk, and needs to eat a lot of medicine, then i feel guilty again. Although she does not asking me to back home, but know what she want, i know what my father and my sister want me to do.

Mother complaint younger brother choose to work at KL also don't want to back hone help in shop. This complaint actually indirectly point to me again. Maybe i think too much already, but i really can't control mr\y thinking. Always be pessimistic, can't have an optimistic thinking. I think i needs causeling.

I am a kind of person who don't know how to express my feeling. In front of friends, i can pretend myself very good. Don't know who can i talk with?? It is difficult for me to trust a person. From the experience, i don't think that is a real friend in this world. Everyone is selfish, including myself!! The person i can trust is just myself, no matter how sad am i, i still needs to pretend.

03/03/10

Yesterday did not write diary.. haha starting lazy liao.. today just have one hour class. 7.15am wake up and arrive FKE at 8am. Finished class at 9am then having breakfast at FKE after that back to college. This is the first time I went back college after class on Wednesday, the feeling is difference from the others day. But today time pass very slow, don’t know what to do in room. Eat a lot of thing, oh no, will become fat fat leh. Afternoon having lunch at café, this café is so weird, last week I took the same meal as today, but last week charge me RM2 today charge me RM2.70. Haiz, 70 cent different, don’t know how they count.
At afternoon, plan to study EMT but just study awhile already very bored and fall asleep at 4pm like that. Wake up at 5something and prepare going out for dinner. Waiting for a long time, until 7pm, I call him and only I know that he went to aiesec meeting but never inform me before. Again, he still the same. At first, I really very angry but after think awhile angry also useless, he won’t change. Maybe I am the person who needs to change everyday saying that I want to be more independent, but still I can’t.
Just now he told me that he was apply for the director. It’s time for me to adapt that he will be much busier than now. Every time after aiesec activities he will look like very tired and his mood will become not good, I hate this happen!!
This few weeks always quarrels, he will never changed although I told him many time, in contrast he will say I am always complaining. This is what he say one, he say everything must say it out, but when I say it out, he will feel unhappy. Please teach me?? What should I do??

01/03/10

Today is first of March, a new month for me. Actually nothing special, same as normal, study, lunch and sleep. Today's class almost cancel all, for the first time our english lecturer cancel the class, i think maybe he is sick. LE lecturer teach one hour only, pcomm don't know teach what, but she is finished chapter5 already. Since pcomm test is just cover chapter4, so i really can put all of my effort on emt after tomorrow microp quiz. whole afternoon stay at psz to finished up the emt chapter7, cause i have no laptoop to copy if i back to hostel. That's good also, library environment is quite good, got air-conditioner and i will not feel sleepy. I thought i cant copy all, but in fact i finished it when the time is still early. So i went back hostel to prepare for night class.

Went to library again at 5.45pm, cause want to save petrol. About 6.30pm, went out for dinner, who knows receive message from li ting sating that english class was cancelled. Wah, this is really the first time... we went number1 for dinner cause many place didn't open. Nanny them come join us after a few minutes. Although we are the same table, but we talk less and finally we go first.

Don't know why, not like to talk too much. Maybe i really not like her, but need to pretend i'm good with her. Oh no!! i start pretending myself! How come?? I don't want this happen ok??
I trying to accept her as my friend, but it's difficult, i really don't like she always close to fai especially when she is talking with him. Don't know why she always like to touch him.. i know i can't complaint anymore, if not fai will say i'm stingy. So i jusy can keep it in my heart or express it at here. What i can do is just accept, accept and also accept. Nothing i can do.. But please don't be too over ok?! Please think of me when you do something. and i know yesterday is my wrong, sorry for that...

Today closed the account for february. Omg, i spend about RM600 during february. how come? And the total i spend from this semester is about RM3500. If i'm taking PTPTN, how can i survive??This month cannnot spend that much already. Must control yourself, need to think before you buy something...

28/02/10

Today is the last day of chinese new year, finally chinese new year was finished :)

Today i'm quite hardworking, wake up at 9am and start study for microp after breakfast in room. Around 10.30pm, our pcomm group member come to find us to finished up the assignment. We finished it in 1hour.

After that, i went back my room and continue study for microp, copy the note and it make me more understand:) went out for lunch at 1pm, after back from lunch, and study again! Whole day was studied, finished doing microp and pcomm test. Tomorrow can comcentrate for emt already..

At night, we went lakeside again, this time we go there lou shang, with da bao fried rice and mee hoon from outside. Actually i don't understan why they want do it at there, why don't just go restaurant, it's much more easier and convenience. I'm wonder why i always need to follow them, sometime a really don't like to join their activity, they never ask my opinion, seems like i'm being force to join it. Like just now, actually i not really want to join them, but because of they already count me and i need to pass the paper to fai, then i need to join them. I'll feel sad when joining their activities, usually there are 4gals including me, but i'm the one less communicate with them, because 3 of them are speaking english. I don't know how to communicate with them.

After the dinner, we went k10, because there is a cultural night. Today sze hue very lucky, he is one of the winner for lucky draw. But i make the end with unhappiness. I really don't understand why you cannot wait awhile, just a couple minutes, hru them will back also, but because of your friends say want back, then you just walk away without care of me. You say kdse is very far, you don't want fetch me back, fine, i ask hru fetch me back, but why you can't wait awhile? at least let me inform hru. Do you care of my feeling?? My boy friend always ask me to sit others car and sometime you can just leave me like that. Like just now, you say you want go the lakeside there, but you never invite me. After this, i ask you and your answer is why i didn't follow you?? but why?? Why everytime want me follow?? I'm a gal you know? feel like i'm too zhu dong already and i'm yi xiang qing yuan!!

27/02/10

Time pass very fast, one day just finished like that but i do nothing today:(

this morning i wake up at 9something and do some exercise. At 12noon, i went for the iem meeting. Haiz, the meeting was the same as the one i attended on wednesday but it's in english version, if i know early, then i'll skip the meeting. This is the first society i going to join in this semester, but i not sure how long will i stay in iem, because i am scare, in this society need to communicate in english but my english is not good as well.

I do have a heart to improve my english, but i really don't know what should u do.. That day our english lecturer talk a lot of thing to us, everytime go out from his class i'll tell myself must do something to improve my english! Change my attitude, make english as my language!! 3months time, my lecturer said it's just need 3months time with intensive training, then your english will become very good.

I have a 3months time holiday after final, i need to do something in this holiday, for sure, if i want to success, then i cannot back home, because if i back home, i need to look over the shop and therefore i can't concentrate on others thing. But the problem is where should i go?? i'm thinking to find a part time job with accomodation is provided, then i can work for half day and do something for my english. But it's there any job like this?? Or i just pay some money to attend the english classes? It's seems like wasting money. Or i find someone who also want improve his or her english, then we study together, but who will be the person and where we need to stay?? Ah confusing lar... Someone please help me...

Afternoon, we are trying to solve the problem we faced in pcomm assignment, after several times it's still can't work and i going to give up, so take a nap in hru's room. When i wake up, it's 6.38pm, and hru already found out the problem and solve it. Thanks to her, finally we finished the assignment. No doubt, she is really a hardworking and clever girl, will not give up easily, if compared to her, i'm very far far away... No wonder her result is always good.

At night, we are going to jusco after dinner, spend 50bucks again!! Omg, i spend 100 bucks in this two days:( everytime went jusco must buy something, especially those thing that apply on my face. My face ah my face, why you can't recover one?? If this happended continuously, i will bankcrupt leh.. So you must recover as soon as possible ya, please...

26/2/10

today i woke up late because yesterday watching movie with hru until 4am, finally finished the drama and i can concentrate on test2 and test3 already. after wake up, taking a bath and prepare to go out, because yesterday fai said today want to go out:) after think for a short period, i decided to go jusco tebrau city, planning to watch movie, but don;t know why johor government so weird, not allow cinema to open during the public holiday that is realated to islam, so no movie for us lo.. just can go there have a walk. after lunch at 338 and fill up the petrol, we depart to jusco. this time we become brave already, although we don't know the way to go, but we just go with sign board.. and finally we arrived there on time.. but it's really far, 24km to reach there.

shopping at there, but nothing to buy, finally we go buy sushi and eat:) planning to buy a industry cooker, but it's quite expensive, if no brand one the it cost about RM100, if brand the it cost more than RM200 ler... so still thinking if want to bhuy it or not. If i can have it, then i can do a lot of thing, i can cook herba teh, soup and many many more.. It's really convenience.

About 6pm, we're going back from jusco, raining heavily and jam, we arrived super7 having dinner at 7pm like that. After dinner, then going back to college and doing numerical exercise, time past so fast, it's time to sleep again...

07/02/10

that day you say i am someone important to you, but now only i know the important you mean is just for your academic. I really don't know where i stand in your heart.
You will just think of me when you need me.
When you got quiz for LE, you will find me;
When you not understand in EMT you will find me. The time we together just during the study time, lunch time and dinner time.

You will never not sleeping because of me, but now you just sleep for half an hour because of aiesec. In your heart, Aiesec is much more important than me.

You say you are busy, don't disturb you, then i can't sms you.
You emo because of study, then i need to see your emo face.
You say you are tired, don't want think anything, then i need to keep quite.
You say you are tired, then i can't ask you to go out.
You say you want farewell with Aiesec friend, then i need to settle dinner myself.

i really want to know when only you will put me in your heart??
i dono what should i do??
i want to complaint, but then later you will say i never think of you,
i always need to care about everyone feeling,
then who care of me??

06/02/10

Finally finished all three tests!!!

No doubt, electronic circuit test 1 i perform very bad, whole question wrong already...Dono will get how much over 40%. luckily it is just took 15% of carry mark. Test2, i need to work hard, no more careless mistake.

Pcomm test2, it is better than test1, because the question is quite easy and we have do it before, they just change the value.

Emt test2, all lecturers starting realize that the questions is too difficult and therefore this time test is consider easy already. Dono how much i can score for this test, but i think our lecturer wont return the paper cause he still haven't mark the test1 paper. anyway just hope it will not be too bad.

Next week, one more micropi quiz to go. This morning i realize that my quizzes result become more and more less, how come?? I think i need to be more hardworking in this subject already.

CNY is coming soon, but i still haven't buy new clothes, new shose, dono when only got time to go out shopping. Next week, class is full, wednesday got free, but he still got co-q can't go out again! Sigh!!

Everyone in the CNY mood already, but i can't feel anything. Starting see people going back home one by one, but i still here, not going back home so early. Friday only i will back Ayer Tawar from Skudai...

23/01/10

today is saturday. at room for a whole day except going out for lunch and dinner. finished copy the pcomm notes, but it's just copy, not really understand it. never mind, next two weeks just test, still got time to study again. tomorrow need to study for microp already, last two quizzes didn't get full marks, quiz 2 more worst than quiz1. i need to score quiz3. if got time tomorrow need to finished up the assignment and also study emt a bit.

my dear was sick already, i think it's cause he is too tired already. yesterday morning get rain, no go back take bath but afternoon go psz sumore, after that walking from k9 to ktc. the whether is too hot already, drink more water my dear! i will worry if you sick leh...

lack of equipment, this is what my dear console me when i tell him i feel so bad cant do something for him. i think is the time for me to buy a slow cooker already. if got slow cooker, then i can cook a lot tang shui for him already, wait ya my dear...

feel something wrong with my roommate, but can't find a time to chat with her...hopefully everything will be fine after she coming back from kl...i will find a time to care of her...

20/01/10

what should i do to make my life wonderful??
everyday seeing everyone busy with their own activity, but i am still there, never walk out to the round in front of me.

this sem, fai will be every busy, he have no time to accompany me already, i need to find some activity...cannot rely on him...

hru got choir, roommate got aiesec, liting got running, nanny also aiesec and yeeling got robocon, all of my gang have their activity. but what i want to do in this sem except study??

at first i thought taking 17credit will be very busy, so i decided to give up the mandarin class, but now i feel regret with it. i am too free already. everyday siting in room with no target, i don't want study cover all my life...

sorry fai, because i din join the activity you did. i feel so bad with that why i don't dare to talk with someone who speak english with me. i feel i make you no face...really sorry, i'm still escaping, i know i can't escape for my whole life, but trust me, i really got the heart to improve myself. but i not sure i can success or not, ans i also don't know when is the day i success.

confusing whether want to ask mother help me buy ticket or not. because i hope somebody will come to find me during cny and we can back here together although he already told me it's will not happen. feel so sad bacause we cant celebrate the first valentine's day together...

16/01/10

today is not a happy day. very unlucky, we get a compound because of the parking ticket. RM100!! and it make me and fai quarrel:( but after a sleep, the gas was disappear. at night, i cancel the plan to go sutera mall cause i thought he don't wanna go after getting the compound, who know in fact he want to go.

but at the end we are not going, cause i already tell hru we will not going. so we having dinner at TamanU, at first plan to go jusco after dinner, but finally we spend our time in chatting in the car. today our relationship become more closely, i starting thinking when is the time to tell him my past. but i don't know how to start, i scare he can't accept the truth. i know i love him, but i still not sure about him. until today, he still never told me the three words, it's the three words very difficult to say out? i don't know, maybe this three words represent a responsibility for him, after saying this three word he need to responsible on me?

still thinking when is the suitable time...

15/01/10

finally, finished presentation and also emt test! yesterday presentation consider not bad, i rate myself with 60%, i'm sure that i have make a lot of grammar mistake during the presentation, but i hope that i can improve it during the final presentation. that presentation have 15marks, i want to score it!! i am still nervous when doing presentation in front of others, but this time i think it's better than last presentation i did, maybe bacause just a few person, maybe most of them not a person who know me a lot, then i only not that scare. although i know the pssibility to get an A for this subject is very low, but i still hope my result wont be too bad. i don't want it affect my pointer too much.

today emt, at first i really feel bad because of the lecturer action, i really get a shot! feeling so bad, i thought i will be totally same, but luckily it's not! don't know what i had done correct or not, i think the lecturer put a lot of hope on me, but maybe i'll make him disappointed. i not reallt understand this subject, but i will try my best!

next week got numerical test again, tomorrow need to start doing the exercise already. yesterday my english lecturer told us, must being selfish when you are in university. throw away everything, think about yourself, they will settle their stuff! but i am sure i can't, i'm not that kind of people, don't like become i selfish people! i'll always think about my parents, think about the business, think whether they enough worker or not. even i know myself can't do anything because of the distance, but actually sometime i got a feel to give up my studies and go back help them. i don't dare, i scare at the end i'll get nothing, both side also unsuccessful! sometime i'm feel stressful in my studies, don't know how to release the stress. i need something, but still don't know what's i want! i'm confusing about myself...

13/01/10

everyone feel like very stress in this week, including me. this is the first time i feel stress because of my academic. maybe bacause see tension then i also become tension. actually the english presentation affect me the most, emt still ok, i think i had see open already. tomorrow will be the presentation already, although i think i have a well preparing, but i scare maybe i will panic at that time. hopefully i wont be nervous and have a good presentation. add oil!!

tomorrow fai got 4quizzes, i can feel his scariness, feels so bad because cant help him. hopefully he can do well in his quizzes. at first he say he don't want dinner, feel a bit disappointed , thinking to find him at psz, but at the end he suddely say he want come to find me for dinner. although i feel weird why he will suddenly changed, but still happy lar, at least he not leaves me like that, still will think of me when he is down. this is what i want, i'm not sure that i can help to solve your problem, but i am sure that i'll always beside you, so please do not leave me either you're sad or happy.

10/01/10

today, nothing heppened, 11am i was going to jusco with fai and i had buy some biscuit. after that we go for lunch. during the lunch time, i can feel that he is so moody today. i think he is starting to feel stree already. he got a lot of think to do during this week, got emt test which it is a difficult subject for us, got 3 quizzesand a lot of aiesec stuff...i not sure whether we can handle those thing or not, but i really hope thet he won't stree himself.

i really feeling bad when saw him no mood, i hope to see him smile everyday,happy always...what can i do to make him happy?make him feel no stress? actually myself also got a bit stress during this week. although i don't have quizzes and aiesec stuff, but i got 2 tests,two presentations and one assignment. but at this moment, i know i can't be stress in front of him.

i haven't study microp yet, it seems like not that difficult, but i must study before going for test. if not later i can't answer the question i'll feel regret that didn't do revision. like last tuesday's pcomm test, i really feel guilty that i have changed my answer after hru telling me my answer was wrong! last time i am the person who tell people their answer is wrong, but i don't know since when i become the person who others people tell me my answer was wrong and i changed the answer!! i never do this since i was form 3... no more next time!! it's a promise...

whole day didn't study emt, because i need to do my english presentation slides, use whole day to do the slide and edit my script and also memorize the script but still can't memorise all, always forgot... starting feel the time is not enough, i need some time! hope the time will stop now...

although feel like not enough time, but i still went for jogging. today just can run until k17, feel very tired and a bit heart pain, so i decided to walking back college from the roundabout. tonight we having dinner at kdse, cause fai say he want study numerical, but actually we didn't study also. i really don't know what can i do to make him happy...